Breaking the Cycle

I used to drink coca cola religiously; I loved it. However, when I drank coca cola, I gained weight. When I stopped drinking it, I lost weight. But I still craved it. I craved being able to open it and hear the fizz. I craved being so close to it that I could feel the bubbles popping on my face. And when it burned as it cascaded down my throat, it was a state of euphoria for me. Then it gets empty and I'm left with nothing but an empty bottle of what I used to have.

When I chased people who didn’t value me, I suffered not only physically but emotionally. My self image changed and of course my weight spiked. It was constant fighting. Old drama. New drama. The coke had gone flat, but I still wanted to drink it. Until the coke was thrown away and we weren’t friends, and I was somewhat fine, I was thinking of trying something new. Until I let the cravings creep in. Until I imagined the bubbles popping again. Until I fantasized about that burning sensation, again.

I felt bad because I was told it was my fault that the coke was flat and I believed them.

So I wanted to make things right. I wanted their attention again; because they would give me one small sliver of their coca cola that would keep me satisfied, for a little while. They would throw me away like an empty coca cola bottle because of something I said, something I did, something they didn’t like about me. I apologized. I changed my whole persona for them. I gave them my small drop of coca cola, when it was all I had to give. They gave me a sip of coca cola, when they had a full bottle. I chased after that burning sensation for 9 straight months and always came up empty. Always came up with an unquenched thirst from that little bit of attention that I used to get.

Until an early morning when I was finally satisfied. They told me they wanted to be friends again. That they realized I was there for them. That they miss our friendship. I did too. I’ve known them for years. Why would I want to let that go? Why would I want to let something that was so important go? They dangled that coca cola bottle right in front of me, knowing I was thirsty. I was 9 months thirsty, my throat was so dry. I longed for some coca cola so bad I could taste it on the tip of my tongue; but it burns, it burns every time. After they said they wanted to be friends again, I didn’t hesitate to open that coca cola bottle and drink what they allowed.

Then they got mad at me again and the coca cola bottle was dwindling. I was growing thirstier, yearning for a taste of that detrimental acid, even though I knew there wasn’t enough for me. Even though I knew it was getting flat and I shouldn't be drinking it. Then they started to ignore me, they put a lid on that coca cola bottle as my tongue bathed in dehydration. They were preparing to throw me away like trash, again. I stepped on the scale just to find my weight had gone up, again. My clothes were tight, again. They were mad at me. Blaming me for all the problems with the coca cola and I almost believed it.

Until they dangled that now irreparable, broken bottle of coca cola in my face.

the acid had eaten its way through. The same acid that I thought was good and was burning my throat, broke through that glass coca cola bottle.

Something changed, something had to give. I knew drinking from that bottle would cut me. I knew drinking from that bottle would burn me. I knew despite all that, if I drank from that bottle, I would be thirsty again. No! I don’t want to go down this road. No! I’ve been doing it for years. No! I’ve thrown myself away for them. I’ve done everything for only a drop of coca cola; but it wasn’t enough and truth be told it never will be. The problem wasn’t me. It was the fact that they’re thirsty. They call me at 7 am in the morning when they know that no one else will answer. They keep me on the phone for 15 hours, with their issues, because they know that no one else will do that. They come crying to me for all my coke when people only give them the same pitiful amount that they gave me.

I’d soothe them with my coca cola. I’d give them all of mine to get some of theirs; but I let them hinder me. I let them get into my head. I became conditioned to only want their coca cola. When another bottle was dangled in my face. I turned my head away. I wanted to be their friends, no one could quench my thirst like they did. No one could spend nights in my head, rent free, like they did. ‘Why did they want to be friends with everyone but me? What was wrong with me? What did I do for them to throw me away… again?’ Yet, it wasn’t me.

It was that addictive temporarily thirst quenching coca cola that they gave me. I had never had better and I wasn't willing to try. I wasn’t willing to throw away what I thought was years of strong friendship. Which was actually years of toxicity. We hadn’t even been friends for half of those ‘years’! I had been conditioned since before I was a teenager to think that the burning sensation was okay. I knew I was a good friend to them but they weren’t to me.

I wanted so desperately to be their friends but they didn’t want to be mine.

The information that took me 2+ years to share with them, took me weeks to share with another after tasting from a different bottle. I was confusing the length of the friendship for the strength of the friendship. It was time to throw away all broken coca cola bottles and move on. Give true friendship another chance when I didn't just have that abysmal coke in my mouth. It was time to break the cycle… and I did.