'Mental Dictation' - A Series of Poems by Abdou Sanda

Where do I stand in the lonely meadow exiled from all. Resourceful but not to my benefit. My presence meant nothing to you, nothing more than a nuisance. Yet I prayed for your triumph in gleeful aggression. How much must one sacrifice only to be retaliated with carelessness.

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Continuous. I continue even with the odds stacked against me. I stumble through my deserted cavernous heart searching, questioning. Only to avoid murderous truth of this loveless, careless, and lonely earth. Continuous.

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Scavenger.

What do you search for that has no end?

Have not you exhausted yourself exploring what may never exist? Where do you find the joy to pursue your imaginary journey? The love for what could be? You pain yourself for a prize. Searching long for what others may not see. Your goal at your center. Unbothered by the criticism of the external world. Only guided by the words of the internal world. Loved by all.

Scavenger.

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Continuous. The flow of blood rushing to the brain. Rivers, oceans, creeks, and streams. Gas to fuel a car with no wheels. Each one blood vessel guzzling the other to be the first to enter, as I exit my tranquility and accept the reality. As I crawl through the molasses of memories I am repeatedly reminded of all my horrid atrocities brought upon me, the destructive actions done against me, of all the failures, all the rejection, all the neglect and carelessness. A tower with no foundation, a house with no roof. An ant with no colony. I call in hopes of a response to which there is none. Unpaid debts. I continue on my own. The days I spend on my alone. Continuous.

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A flower on a plain. Kissed by the breeze and embraced by the sun. Open for all to see. Careless until need be, but as the children pass they dismember what once was whole. The flower now sits torn, the sun covers its face as the rain uncovers its disguise. The peace of the plain is no more. Chaos ensues. How must a flower grow with no sunlight? Won't it dwindle in the storm? A flower on a plain. Pushed by the winds and stabbed by the rain. Closed away from what may come. A flower stationed on a plain, internally on a run.

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ABOUT:

Abdou, from Charlottesville Virginia, USA. "I’d call these pieces mental dictation. I have gone through a lot of trauma in the past years. Losing family, losing friends, getting betrayed, having a false image of me being represented. One thing that still affects me till this day is losing a girl I knew at homecoming(she didn’t die). The whole situation was stressful as it but nobody actually knew the whole story and only looked to one side for answers or made their own stories up. That mixed with the fact that this person didn’t tell others the true story brought me down a deep spiral into depression and anxiety. I always and sometimes do feel like people see me as the man that took over that night. I still feel like nobody cares for me the way nobody didn’t for months after the event. I still feel emotionally lost the way I felt when she told me the way she actually felt. All those things made for the worst possible storm causing me a lot of stress. As of recently, I have been able to truly understand myself and forgive myself for what happened. I have been able to reach out to the person (who still hasn’t taken responsibility for their actions) and talk to them about the whole situation. These are ideas and emotions I have felt throughout that process. The rejection and negligence. The hatred and anger. The confusion and depression. The hopelessness and euphoria. I write to let others know that it’s okay to be sad (I’m seen as a very bring and joyous person) and that voicing how you feel is for the better. I write to express myself in ways I can’t. I write to let people know that they matter and they deserve to continue because unfortunately, my friend has lost their friend to suicide which has affected them drastically. I write to make change. I write for a better future. I write for those who cannot. I voice my feelings for those who can’t. That’s all."